“I feel meh” is what I messaged my friend one day, then I qualified it more- after all I’ve decided to be more intentional with how I address my feelings, by naming them, exploring them and being guided by them- “I feel empty”. This is on the tail end of a few rough weeks that ended with me facing a lot of negative feelings and letting them go.
So now that I’ve been “emptied” of anger, regret, guilt, shame, sadness etc etc etc
What’s next?
This is officially the first post I’ve written under my newest theme- you know I love a theme! A few months ago I decided the current theme for my life is “Chasing Happiness and Pursuing Peace” it’s all about my journey to happiness. Happiness, I have learnt is an equation of satisfaction, joy and purpose. So I figure, if I can find all three of those things I have found happiness. The thing is, that’s all easier said than done!
After realising that what I felt was emptiness or nothingness I wondered what my next steps were. I had done a lot of hard work around some really difficult feelings. And this work will continue to happen for the rest of my life, however I’ve found the trick. Don’t ignore what you feel, don’t try to justify or rationalise them, literally just name them, feel them and practice self compassion. Recently I had to deal with two very hard emotions, disappointment and regret, and I had to revisit and redo my exercises multiple times until all the energy dissipated. Each time I revisited them they were less and less intense. It’s been pretty scary, but emotions that we traditionally think of as negative are so enlightening if you take a moment to listen to them- just trust me on this one.
I’m not used to nothingness, its like nothing I’ve ever experienced before. At first I thought I felt numb, this is a feeling I get when I am both extraordinarily over stimulated and overwhelmed, however when I examined it through journalling and allowing myself to face myself I realised I hadn’t put anything in place to fill the space left by all the energy dissipated from naming and taming my feelings. One day I said to myself, can’t I just choose to fill that gap with what ever I wanted?
The answer is yes! So I decided to fill it with one of my favourite feelings, joy. And boy did I find it! My favourite moment was when I rode a bicycle for the first time without training wheels in my life. I have wanted to do this for years, and I’ve tried multiple times unsuccessfully. A friend of mine said we can spend some time each week learning and I finally got somewhere. When I realised I did it I screamed and jumped with joy! I wish I could have seen my face, I can’t remember experiencing something so intense, pure and just… joyful before! In that moment I felt pure happiness and I told anyone who would listen about what I did and accomplished! I was so proud!
Now, I can’t control others, I don’t know what will happen in the future, but I do have a say in how I react, who I spend my time with and what I spend my time doing. I practice grace, compassion and forgiveness with myself daily. Being intentional with every aspect of my life has been the best decision I’ve ever made. Life isn’t perfect. I’m not perfect.
But I’ll leave you (and myself) with the words my friend told me when I told him I finally rode a bicycle on my own- albeit for less than a minute, and I told him I was terrified of falling but determined to learn especially now that I knew I could do it:
“Dropping is part of it…getting back up is the key”
I think that works for learning how to ride, and I think it works for life too.
Selah.
Love,
Samantha
