Chasing Happiness and Pursuing Peace: Allowing People To Love Me

I’ve been wanting to write this from March 1, but every time it came time to put pen to paper for some reason I couldn’t get myself to write. Today, on a Saturday morning, after having the most delicious breakfast at a local coffee shop and spending time drawing, coming home and enjoying a gorgeous morning walk while listening to a podcast, messaging someone how I felt in plain language and realising my messages sent trying desperately to save a dying friendship were finally read and ignored… brought me here. 

Finally writing about letting people love me. 

I have always thought I was good at maintaining my own boundaries and exceptionally talented at respecting the boundaries of others- except when it didn’t suit me or I felt the person didn’t respect their own boundaries. The truth is, I compromise and cross my own boundaries more times than I’m willing to admit, putting the needs of others before my own. Putting my own need for validation from others before my need for my boundaries being respected and feeling free to express them. 

I feel like I’m looking in the mirror and finally seeing myself, my insecurities, my vulnerabilities, my needs and wants. I wrote about vulnerability being the pathway to happiness, I have reread my own post multiple times to remind myself of the purpose behind all of this… because vulnerability feels exposing. It is scary, it is painful. And its hard to do because it opens me up to real hurt and disappointment… and even with the consolation that the opposite is oftentimes true too, I have been hesitant to be vulnerable. Why?… because sometimes, I rather have a little of something than none at all. Sometimes, I rather hold on to the rope burning my hands than fall to the ground. And that fear of loss has always been scarier and more paralysing than the possibility of getting more or landing on my feet.

I’m not sure what changed within myself and made me accept that I was willing to voice my needs, desires and boundaries to others who held a space in my heart and give them the chance to step in front of the glass and truly love me; instead of holding the most fragile parts of me behind a glass case- like the rose in Beauty and the Beast, or exhibitions at a museum. I can’t tell you what moment made me willing to chance getting hurt and explore more intimate, loving and genuine relationships. 

The premise of this is super simple. If I want people to love me, I have to allow them to.

Allowing someone to love me means telling them how I want to be loved, maintaining my boundaries and giving them the option to choose to love me or show me they love me. It also meant that I would have to find out that persons I love, I care about, I value just well- don’t feel the same about me. I immediately went to work… If I really think about it, I think a light went off when I was told: “Once you allow people to love you you’ll realise how loved you really are and how many people do love you.” 

Mind blown. 

Why? Because this was said to me after possibly the most emotionally turbulent few weeks, I was looking in the mirror and everything stared back at me, I finally started understanding the language the small hurt child inside of me spoke, so now I couldn’t ignore what was being said. She no longer had to shout, or throw tantrums, but instead could speak softly and clearly- which was piercing through the silence inside my mind. I had finally done enough work to clear the clutter and silence the noises and distractions that the only thing left was me, my inner self and a room filled with evidence of destruction, frustration, anger and exhaustion. 

So I started. And I started small, any opportunity I had I took it. The first, was telling someone I knew cared for me, I knew valued me, I knew loved me something they did that made me uncomfortable… and guess what? They apologised, respected my boundary and stopped doing it. And it felt amazing, it felt easy. I did it again, with someone else who I knew, without a shadow of a doubt, loved me, cared for me, valued me… but is also very adamant about their own boundaries and would sometimes make me feel dismissed. The next time something happened I told them how I felt and guess what? It worked, we talked about it, found a compromise and understanding and moved on. The success of these practice sessions gave me enough courage to try harder things and that I did. 

And that’s when the real work started. I started doing things that would make or break relationships for me. Things that were really non negotiable but I kept compromising on them for the sake of keeping those persons in my life. It was a, I rather have you in my life and it sucks than never have you at all- a real life miserable existence. I wish I could say I told those persons what I needed and what I wanted and I got it- but I didn’t which meant our relationships changed permanently and it sucked. I mean, it really sucked. I’m having to reconcile with the grief, sadness, disappointment and anger… the hardest part has been having to reconcile with my feelings of pride in showing myself that I could do it. The victory feels bittersweet.

And finally, the tears I had been holding in my throat and my chest for months finally wet my eyes. One of my proudest moments of my life, felt like one of the worst moments of my life. After 20+ years of being unable to say no, unable to name my terms, unable to respect myself, my own feelings, my own needs and my own desires I was finally able to and it felt like my entire world was crashing down. 

I wanted nothing more than to be able to end this on a positive note. I feel like sometimes happiness, passion, living with intent comes off as this idealistic, fairytale, sunshine and rainbows adventure but when you start the journey, you realise you’re wading through murky waters, climbing mountains with the sun belting down, and hoping this emotional struggle is worth it in the end.

Right now, I’m grieving, and I am allowing myself to grieve. Grieve the loss of relationships and grieve the shattered realities. The work is hard. And now, facing myself, after tearing all my defences down, after having the dust finally settled and finally knowing my deepest and truest desires I have a choice to make. 

Do I move forward, knowing my protective mechanisms are down and I can finally live my life without the barriers I created and finally explore true intimacy in relationships, or do I sit down and start rebuilding the walls and mazes that kept me safe, but also kept me alone and unhappy. 

Love, 

Samantha.